No Reason To Be Ashamed

As I was thinking of what I should write about next I wanted to continue with my story in order, but I had an experience this week that impressed me to talk about something I am not very proud of. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I know some people might not understand how this could be connected with my story, but it played a huge role in the way I felt.

This last Sunday my mother and I had the opportunity to talk to a very remarkable young girl who was diagnosed with leukemia this last year, and her amazingly strong mother about our experience and talk with them about theirs. As we were talking I had so many feeling rush back to me as I looked at a mother who you could tell loved her daughter so much, and a beautiful, bald, incredible and positive daughter. It made me so happy to see that this girl had absolutely no shame in having no hair, no fear in telling people that she is sick, and that she had a constant smile on her face as we talked about the horrible things she has been going through. It made me wish that in my experience I had felt that same way, but that hadn’t been the case.

If you already know my story, you know that I feel like I had cancer for a reason and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. That I tried to stay as positive about the trial that was given to me, and I never once questioned if I was going to live or die cause dying just wasn’t an option. I fought cancer with a smile on my face and tried very hard to not let people, other then those very close to me know the feeling I had inside that I was very embarrassed of. That I had been ashamed and embarrassed that I was bald, that I was sick, that something was wrong with me. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds, but I know I can’t be the only one that has felt that way. I was only a 15-16 year old girl who cared what others thought of her. It pains me now that I have grown and matured that I ever thought that way, but I did.

The second time I was diagnosed they wanted to put a port (that is like an iv that is surgically put into your chest right by your heart and you have ports that hang out) and I fought it and fought it just because I didn’t want people to be able to see it. Luckily there was another option that I found was easier to disguise, but it made things for me a lot harder. I feared that people would think I was some kind of freak or mutant, which now I know would not have been true. I spent so much time trying to make so people didn’t know I had cancer, when I should have been looking to people for support and love.

I had an experience in one of my classes where a student next to me asked what was on my arm (where I had my pick line wrapped in a skin colored wrap). I remember not wanting to tell him cause he would think differently of me and he would know that I had no hair and that I was sick. I get angry with my younger self for caring so much about being bald! Bald is BEAUTIFUL! And don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I only let a very small handful of people see me without my wigs on and I wish I could have just accepted the way I looked because wearing a wig is a huge hassle and took away so many things I could have done. (like swimming and four wheeling). 

I do feel that in a small part of the way I felt was justified because the few times I did try to do things without my wig, I would get weird looks, or no one would talk to me. So in part I feel at least back when I had cancer people weren’t sure how to deal with someone they knew being bald, or being sick, that they sometimes made me feel the way I feared people would think of me, like a freak or a mutant.

The real reason I wanted to write this post is for those people that might feel the same way. If you are someone who does, or you know someone who does please remember or tell him or her, being sick or being bald is NOTHING to be ashamed of! Like I said bald is beautiful! People always told me I was beautiful when I was bald, but I didn’t believe them, I felt ugly and disgusting, but when I look back at pictures now I truly believe I was beautiful. I truly believe that I shouldn’t have tried to keep my sickness a secret from everyone I should have been sharing my experiences and looking to people for support. And please oh please stay positive. I know that staying positive helped me through this trial more then anything else could of, but that is a whole long story for another time.

Also if you know someone who you think this may help feel normal, or might help in anyway please do not hesitate to share it with him or her. The reason I am writing these posts is that in hopes it might help someone going through a hard trial like I had gone through.

Thank you for reading!

January 4th- The Day My Life Changed

       Every year when this day comes and goes, so many memories flood my mind and remind me of the things I have been through. Today marks 9 years since I received the news that turned my life upside down. I remember so clearly the words the doctor spoke as she said “you have something called Hodgkins Lymphoma” and in my young and unknowing mind I had no clue what was going to come after those words. “It is Cancer”.  As soon as that word came out of the doctors mouth I became numb, I had no sense of filling for a brief moment, I was 100% empty. I remember hearing my parents talking to the doctor about a couple of the details, as slowly what she had said began to sink in. I remember bluntly saying “am I going to loose my hair?” she turned to me and said “Most likely yes”.  Me, being a 15 year old girl, this felt like the worst thing that I could have ever heard. Tears started practically flying out of my eyes as she continued saying what was going to happen over the next few weeks/months. From this point on my mind pretty much shut off, it was an overload of information for my young and simple mind. I don’t even remember leaving the room and walking through the hospital. 

        Next thing I remember I was down in the parking lot and my parents where on the phone calling and letting everyone know what had just happened. I remember calling my closest friends crying hysterically telling them that “I had cancer” even now typing these words 9 years later it still seems like a dream, like it never really happened, that I didn’t go through chemo for 3 months have a great 6 months clean just to have it come back and do another 6 months of chemotherapy. Even though I experienced those things, I still some days feel like it wasn’t me who went through all of that. Like it was just a book I’ve read or a movie I have seen. 

      After leaving the hospital and having not eaten I remember we had decided to go eat some dinner before we started the long drive home. My parents and I sat in a booth at Denny’s red eyed and crying while waiting for our food. I remember seeing my dad crying and feeling so angry that I was the reason he was crying. I remember feeling so much fear in what was going to happen. I had spent the last almost year searching for an answer to what was wrong with me and cancer, well that was not even an option in my mind. But here I was with a mass the size of a grapefruit in my chest and 2 small grape size masses in my neck. In cases of cancer I was extremely lucky, even though it took a year to find, it still had not progressed into my blood or bones. Another reason why it was so hard to find since it had not shown up on any of the blood work.  

      When we arrived home it was late and I was exhausted from crying. I lay in bed crying and crying until I finally sleep wrapped around me and kept me safe from all of the worries and fears that were obliterating my mind. I woke up the next morning in a haze, my mind trying to decide if the day before was real or a dream. Then it all set in like a pile of rocks falling on top of me as I realized once again that I had cancer. It was a Sunday and in just the short time of finding out the news to driving home, the ward had prepared to have a ward fast for me. I truly believe that this fast gave me strength. I to this day do not know how I made it through the next 3 days without loosing my mind. At this point I still had no idea what chemotherapy was. I didn’t know how it would make me feel or what the next 3 months would consist of. But somehow I made it through those days and was blessed with getting to meet my beautiful niece Cloee the day before I was to go back up to Primary Childrens to start treatment.  Then the day came….