Every year when this day comes and goes, so many memories
flood my mind and remind me of the things I have been through. Today marks 9
years since I received the news that turned my life upside down. I remember so
clearly the words the doctor spoke as she said “you have something called
Hodgkins Lymphoma” and in my young and unknowing mind I had no clue what was
going to come after those words. “It is Cancer”. As soon as that word came out of the doctors
mouth I became numb, I had no sense of filling for a brief moment, I was 100%
empty. I remember hearing my parents talking to the doctor about a couple of
the details, as slowly what she had said began to sink in. I remember bluntly
saying “am I going to loose my hair?” she turned to me and said “Most likely
yes”. Me, being a 15 year old girl, this
felt like the worst thing that I could have ever heard. Tears started
practically flying out of my eyes as she continued saying what was going to
happen over the next few weeks/months. From this point on my mind pretty much
shut off, it was an overload of information for my young and simple mind. I
don’t even remember leaving the room and walking through the hospital.
Next
thing I remember I was down in the parking lot and my parents where on the
phone calling and letting everyone know what had just happened. I remember
calling my closest friends crying hysterically telling them that “I had cancer”
even now typing these words 9 years later it still seems like a dream, like it
never really happened, that I didn’t go through chemo for 3 months have a great
6 months clean just to have it come back and do another 6 months of
chemotherapy. Even though I experienced those things, I still some days feel
like it wasn’t me who went through all of that. Like it was just a book I’ve
read or a movie I have seen.
After leaving the hospital and having not eaten I
remember we had decided to go eat some dinner before we started the long drive
home. My parents and I sat in a booth at Denny’s red eyed and crying while
waiting for our food. I remember seeing my dad crying and feeling so angry that
I was the reason he was crying. I remember feeling so much fear in what was
going to happen. I had spent the last almost year searching for an answer to
what was wrong with me and cancer, well that was not even an option in my mind.
But here I was with a mass the size of a grapefruit in my chest and 2 small
grape size masses in my neck. In cases of cancer I was extremely lucky, even
though it took a year to find, it still had not progressed into my blood or
bones. Another reason why it was so hard to find since it had not shown up on
any of the blood work.
When we arrived
home it was late and I was exhausted from crying. I lay in bed crying and
crying until I finally sleep wrapped around me and kept me safe from all of the
worries and fears that were obliterating my mind. I woke up the next morning in
a haze, my mind trying to decide if the day before was real or a dream. Then it
all set in like a pile of rocks falling on top of me as I realized once again
that I had cancer. It was a Sunday and in just the short time of finding out
the news to driving home, the ward had prepared to have a ward fast for me. I
truly believe that this fast gave me strength. I to this day do not know how I made
it through the next 3 days without loosing my mind. At this point I still had no
idea what chemotherapy was. I didn’t know how it would make me feel or what the
next 3 months would consist of. But somehow I made it through those days and
was blessed with getting to meet my beautiful niece Cloee the day before I was to
go back up to Primary Childrens to start treatment. Then the day came….
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