No Reason To Be Ashamed

As I was thinking of what I should write about next I wanted to continue with my story in order, but I had an experience this week that impressed me to talk about something I am not very proud of. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I know some people might not understand how this could be connected with my story, but it played a huge role in the way I felt.

This last Sunday my mother and I had the opportunity to talk to a very remarkable young girl who was diagnosed with leukemia this last year, and her amazingly strong mother about our experience and talk with them about theirs. As we were talking I had so many feeling rush back to me as I looked at a mother who you could tell loved her daughter so much, and a beautiful, bald, incredible and positive daughter. It made me so happy to see that this girl had absolutely no shame in having no hair, no fear in telling people that she is sick, and that she had a constant smile on her face as we talked about the horrible things she has been going through. It made me wish that in my experience I had felt that same way, but that hadn’t been the case.

If you already know my story, you know that I feel like I had cancer for a reason and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. That I tried to stay as positive about the trial that was given to me, and I never once questioned if I was going to live or die cause dying just wasn’t an option. I fought cancer with a smile on my face and tried very hard to not let people, other then those very close to me know the feeling I had inside that I was very embarrassed of. That I had been ashamed and embarrassed that I was bald, that I was sick, that something was wrong with me. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds, but I know I can’t be the only one that has felt that way. I was only a 15-16 year old girl who cared what others thought of her. It pains me now that I have grown and matured that I ever thought that way, but I did.

The second time I was diagnosed they wanted to put a port (that is like an iv that is surgically put into your chest right by your heart and you have ports that hang out) and I fought it and fought it just because I didn’t want people to be able to see it. Luckily there was another option that I found was easier to disguise, but it made things for me a lot harder. I feared that people would think I was some kind of freak or mutant, which now I know would not have been true. I spent so much time trying to make so people didn’t know I had cancer, when I should have been looking to people for support and love.

I had an experience in one of my classes where a student next to me asked what was on my arm (where I had my pick line wrapped in a skin colored wrap). I remember not wanting to tell him cause he would think differently of me and he would know that I had no hair and that I was sick. I get angry with my younger self for caring so much about being bald! Bald is BEAUTIFUL! And don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I only let a very small handful of people see me without my wigs on and I wish I could have just accepted the way I looked because wearing a wig is a huge hassle and took away so many things I could have done. (like swimming and four wheeling). 

I do feel that in a small part of the way I felt was justified because the few times I did try to do things without my wig, I would get weird looks, or no one would talk to me. So in part I feel at least back when I had cancer people weren’t sure how to deal with someone they knew being bald, or being sick, that they sometimes made me feel the way I feared people would think of me, like a freak or a mutant.

The real reason I wanted to write this post is for those people that might feel the same way. If you are someone who does, or you know someone who does please remember or tell him or her, being sick or being bald is NOTHING to be ashamed of! Like I said bald is beautiful! People always told me I was beautiful when I was bald, but I didn’t believe them, I felt ugly and disgusting, but when I look back at pictures now I truly believe I was beautiful. I truly believe that I shouldn’t have tried to keep my sickness a secret from everyone I should have been sharing my experiences and looking to people for support. And please oh please stay positive. I know that staying positive helped me through this trial more then anything else could of, but that is a whole long story for another time.

Also if you know someone who you think this may help feel normal, or might help in anyway please do not hesitate to share it with him or her. The reason I am writing these posts is that in hopes it might help someone going through a hard trial like I had gone through.

Thank you for reading!